I've been trying to spin things in a positive light. Every time shit happens or I feel overwhelmed, I look for the silver lining. I look for the lesson. I look for where and how God is molding crappy stuff into useful, beautiful pieces of art. I'm really good at this, and I'm thankful for that gift. But is that always realistic and the best course of action? I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to do to look on the sunny side of a situation, but at some point the not-so-sunny side needs to be acknowledged because it's part of the situation too.
For days I've felt a welling of sorrow in my throat. I know that keeping busy helps keep the tears away, as as I've been busy, they've stayed away. But there have been moments when I've been in a safe place to let them come. Several times they've seemed to start, but for one reason or another, they stopped. I think that I was trying to pin down a specific reason before allowing them.
Finally tonight I was out with the dogs...alone...and I felt the tears knocking at the door again. I told them it was okay to come. I was in a safe place where I wouldn't cause anyone alarm, and they wouldn't be stopped. As I felt my eyes begin to fill with water, I felt sorrow. As I allowed that feeling to stay, I realized the cause... loss.
The news of the tumor meant a loss of a life as I had come to know it in so many ways. I so feel for Joe as he has certainly, at least for a time, lost so much of his life as he knew it. He has lost not just his short-term memory and energy, but so much more painful has been loosing a sense of independence and confidence. Simple decisions and tasks we both took for granted have now seemed like huge mountains to climb. I miss the freedom that we both enjoyed, and now, at least for a time, is gone. So now with a specific cause for the sorrow, the tears finally came out.
With those tears for the current situation came more tears of loss from the past. I didn't filter. I didn't discriminate. I didn't judge. I just let them come.
Then, finally they stopped. They were done. I took a deep breath and finally sat in peace. Not in happiness, not in contentment, but no longer feeling like I had a bounty of tears chomping at the bit to burst out.
I hesitated to share this writing in the blog because I'm trying to keep things as positive as possible. But this too is part of the journey. And I know that readers of this blog are kind, compassionate, and will understand completely.
Thank you all so very, very much for your prayers, encouragement, support, and most of all... your LOVE.
Gilly
For days I've felt a welling of sorrow in my throat. I know that keeping busy helps keep the tears away, as as I've been busy, they've stayed away. But there have been moments when I've been in a safe place to let them come. Several times they've seemed to start, but for one reason or another, they stopped. I think that I was trying to pin down a specific reason before allowing them.
Finally tonight I was out with the dogs...alone...and I felt the tears knocking at the door again. I told them it was okay to come. I was in a safe place where I wouldn't cause anyone alarm, and they wouldn't be stopped. As I felt my eyes begin to fill with water, I felt sorrow. As I allowed that feeling to stay, I realized the cause... loss.
The news of the tumor meant a loss of a life as I had come to know it in so many ways. I so feel for Joe as he has certainly, at least for a time, lost so much of his life as he knew it. He has lost not just his short-term memory and energy, but so much more painful has been loosing a sense of independence and confidence. Simple decisions and tasks we both took for granted have now seemed like huge mountains to climb. I miss the freedom that we both enjoyed, and now, at least for a time, is gone. So now with a specific cause for the sorrow, the tears finally came out.
With those tears for the current situation came more tears of loss from the past. I didn't filter. I didn't discriminate. I didn't judge. I just let them come.
Then, finally they stopped. They were done. I took a deep breath and finally sat in peace. Not in happiness, not in contentment, but no longer feeling like I had a bounty of tears chomping at the bit to burst out.
I hesitated to share this writing in the blog because I'm trying to keep things as positive as possible. But this too is part of the journey. And I know that readers of this blog are kind, compassionate, and will understand completely.
Thank you all so very, very much for your prayers, encouragement, support, and most of all... your LOVE.
Gilly
Gilly, The tears are healing. Glad you finally let them come. Remember that you are not alone, and there is no reason for you to feel like you need to cry alone. Love you.
ReplyDeleteYour family and friends are totally behind you! Don't be afraid to ask for help. And don't forget that God is in this with you and Joe. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Laura, tears are part of the healing process. It's allowed and encouraged. You don't have to do it alone or feel you have to have a reason. Sometimes tears bring clarity and gives you the strength to carry on a little farther. My heart goes out to you, I've been in your shoes before. Love you both.
ReplyDeleteWe're here for you always.
ReplyDeleteThank God you and Joe know what Sicks and Health means and did not run from the battle. You are facing the battle head-on and you wiil win.the Ryan family has yor back. We will do what ever it takes to support you and Joe. If you need time alone I'll be their. What ever it is I have your back.
ReplyDelete